The Roach Enigma:  
 Is there an answer?
 If so, do we want to know?

 
Who is Marty Roach?   

It's a scary question, and perhaps one that I am afraid to address without consulting legal representation. First of all, there is much debate concerning the existence of Mr. Roach; some believe he is a fictional character constructed by characters within the "Dolemite" network (of course, this ensemble is even more questionable than Marty). Others, such as Mr. Kirby below, think there is substance to the Roach rumors, although just what kind of substance is obviously up for debate (see e-mail at bottom). I have read and reread the Kirby Letters and have come to no conclusions...

What I do know, however, is that a man calling himself "Mr. Action" AKA Marty Roach, has been sending me various pamphlets and memorabilia loosely relating to vintage (sic) BMW coupes and 5 series. I have obtained this representation to the upper left of Mr. Roach going to work at the Paramus NJ Particle Board Plant (it was casual Friday, hence the customer service garb).

Below, is a lovely graphic and text from "M" depicting "The Eight Stages of Vintage Car Ownership." One cannot ignore the "truth quotient" of these undoctored photos with accompanying text. Rumor has it that Mr. Roach is the lucky participant.

Is there any more ominous proof that God is "hands off?"



Eight Stages of Vintage Car Ownership
(images read from left to right)

Rapture - Total joy upon purchasing the World's Most Beautiful Car "WoMBuC".

Awakening - Car fails "Screwdriver Test".
Puddles of rust appear on garage floor.

Denial - Belief that rust was planted in car by agents of nefarious unseen powers.

Epiphany - Gravity of predicament becomes fully apparent.

Rage - Victim Mentality

Hope - Creation of Myth:
"This car could sure be purty".

Psychosis - Crossing the Rubicon - Car will be fixed.

Nirvana -  Solvents destroy most of cerebral cortex. Brain stem continues to provide basic autonomic functions. Ability  to write checks unhindered.




E-mail Explanation: Marty Pt. II
received mail:

Date: 9/2/99 7:50:34 AM Eastern Daylight Time From: Stephen.KIRBY@RP-RORER.COM (KIRBY, Stephen T.)

> Looking for a fright? Wait till you see Marty Roach > > coming soon....
The end is near.... Y2K looks tame. > >

Agreed.... Unlike the nebulous, undefined danger of Y2K,
the MMMMM bug is all too real.

Imagine if you will a 6' 4" gremlin with the countenance
of Snoopy imitating a vulture rummaging through your garage, blowing his nose on your shop manuals, making unspecified 'adjustments' to your car, backwashing your beer, fondling your dog, randomly swapping stuff from your parts stash with broken useless Renault 'Le Car' parts, all the while espousing the latest batch of military surplus toxic waste/AKA/rust converter....

The term 'frightwig' is elevated to a higher plane.

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

Koiby





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